Angelique
01-16-2006, 12:23 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervious he could hardly speak.
After mas he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried aboutt gettting nervious on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious, I take a sip".
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervious and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve desciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by the rock and thrown off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass.
10 We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
11 When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper and said, "Take this and eat it, for it is part of my body, he did not say, "Eat Me".
12 The Virgin Mary is not refered to as Mary with the Cherry.
13 The recommended grace before meals is not, "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
After mas he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried aboutt gettting nervious on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious, I take a sip".
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervious and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve desciples, not ten.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by the rock and thrown off his donkey, do not say he was stoned off his ass.
10 We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
11 When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper and said, "Take this and eat it, for it is part of my body, he did not say, "Eat Me".
12 The Virgin Mary is not refered to as Mary with the Cherry.
13 The recommended grace before meals is not, "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.