Credit: PWTorch.com

OPENING: Teddy Long is in the ring to introduce the slightly renamed "Beat the Clock Sprint." The stipulations are:

-A two-week tournament

-16 competitors (so four matches a week presumably)

-Random draw, in random order

-The competitor with the fastest time will face the champ, Batista, at the Royal Rumble

Long then introduces Batista, dressed in black and with a truckload of pyro behind him. The camp clarifies the stipulations of the Sprint again, chucks his sunglasses away and says, "Teddy, I love it! I love it! Yes! I've always told you, I've always said, ‘I don't want to be a paper champion' ..." and so on. Long gets things started whilst Batista is still in the ring with his belt, introducing Kane as the first competitor.

[Commercial break]

A little pause as Kane awaits his opponent. A little clock appears in the corner. At least keeping times will be easy tonight.

1 -- Sprint match: KANE vs. CHAVO GUERRERO

No Vickie tonight. Chavo looks unhappy at having such a tough opponent, but tries a couple of pinfalls early on. Kane kicks out at one minute, sending Guerrero out of the ring. Kane drags him back in and walks, slowly, to hit a leg-drop at 1:40. His standard offence prevails, as JBL highlights how the wrestlers will have to "throw psychology out the window and hit home runs." Kane sets up for the chokeslam and Guerrero bails. Three minutes and Kane stalks his man down, but walks into a drop toehold into the stairs. Guerrero urges the referee to count Kane out. Nice booking. Kane is struggling to beat the count but gets in at nine. 4 minutes down, and although it may not be wrestling exactly as we know it, it's certainly adding a bit of drama. Rope assisted pinfall from Guerrero is spotted by the ref, so Guerrero goes to a leg choke hold as the fifth minute passes.

Kane powers out and hits the electric chair and a vertical suplex, which Chavo brilliantly counters into a DDT. Only two! That was quite the dramatic moment as we pass six minutes. Big boot from Kane, Irish whip and a clothesline ... and another clothesline. The callers note that time is passing by. Now a sideslam at 6:30, and Kane decides to finish it with a forearm from the top rope. Chavo makes the ropes at the two count, but walks into a chokeslam ... No! Chavo kicks away and escapes and heads up top! This is quite a damn match. Kane's up to counter the splash, with both men on the top rope. Chavo rakes the eyes, hits the frog splash ... but is caught mid-splash into a chokeslam and Kane wins.

WINNER: KANE via pinfall at 7:53. The best pure wrestling match I've seen from Kane in ages and one of the best 8 minute matches you could imagine. The face goes over, but the heel was protected in a legitimate way, and the Sprint is off to an awesome start. The main problem is there'll be no matches longer than eight minutes from now on.

[Commercial break]

- Red silk sheets, candles, and saxophone music. Lingerie clad Maryse welcomes us to Smackdown in French. We fade back to the arena - Johnny Damon is ringside too.

2 -- Sprint match: PAUL LONDON vs. BRIAN KENDRICK

Simultaneously the least and most random match possible, depending on your perspective. The clock on the screen sits at 7:53 and counts backwards. The two partners pair off into a series of quick hold-exchanges and escapes, before smiling at each other in respect. The crowd is a little uncertain how to react as they fight over armlocks and it's almost too quick to call all this. Side headlock from London reversed by Kendrick into a leg-scissors, which London flips out of. Kendrick tries a backslide pin out of nowhere. This is very ROH, although the fan reaction is muted.

My VCR tells me the timing is legit as the wrestlers have now 4:30 to go. It's still rather mat-based. London has Kendrick in a butterfly, which Kendrick nearly counters twice in two different spots, once bridging into a pinfall and then nearly escaping a powerbomb attempt. The crowd is silent, sadly, because they're telling the "two guys who know each other" story really well.

Less than three minutes to go and the crowd boo a bit as they start to go back to the headlock. It's time for some more high-flying stuff methinks. They both try a cross-body on each other and it's ten-count time. Inside two minutes to go. Forearms are exchanged in the corner. Awesome little spot as pin after is pin is rolled through. Kendrick takes London down in a side headlock - on the mat again with 40 seconds to go.

And wow, here's the big finish. Kendrick releases the hold and runs to the ropes for extra momentum. London staggers up and sees his man charging towards him. He catches him, throws him to the air to set up a powerbomb but Kendrick turns it into a hurracanrana. Awesomely timed stuff – very Rey Mysterio.

Three 2-counts in a row. Modified small package fails for London. They fight desperately over pinfalls ... The buzzer sounds. The crowd boos. Match over.

WINNER: No result in 7:54. Like the first half of a very good ROH match. They were hoping for a bigger fan reaction than they got. Ashley prances out to congratulate both guys and there's smiles all round.

- JBL will speak to MVP live next about his burns.

[Commercial break]

- JBL reiterates what he said last fortnight except, this time, he's deliberately overdoing it, sacrificing logic and consistency in the process. Gone is his scathing dismissiveness of MVP, whom he now calls "the greatest star." The fans are no longer decadent blood-lusters, they want to destroy "perfection" which reminds them of "their sick little lives." Well, it gets the fans to cheer and boo at the (allegedly) right time, but his first promo was much more interesting, less cartoonish. Nevertheless, a photo of MVP with some pretty impressive burn scars on his back airs. JBL asks the fans to cheer now (some do, some don't), and then MVP makes his way out with the burns on full display on his back.

MVP thanks JBL for representing him. He puts over his suffering and injuries, speaking earnestly – he had to have people feed him, dress him and bathe him twenty-four hours a day. He couldn't even go the bathroom. Shots in the audience of some fan making "crybaby" faces.

MVP's getting "What?" chants here. I don't know if this is a heel or face promo, as MVP claims to have been inspired now to go and fulfill his destiny to become champion, to begin the healing process. Ah it's a heel promo, as he talks of being the beloved favorite of Smackdown fans. He wants Teddy Long to know that he will be in competitive shape for the Sprint, for he will beat the clock and he will beat Batista. He drops the mic and heads off. Slowly, with plenty more gratuitous shots of the back.

It's up to others to editorialize, but that speech almost seemed to be about gauging fan reaction. For now, he's a ‘tweener.

[Commercial break]

- Queen Sharmell is in the ring to introduce her man. JBL and Cole remind us that the finish at Armageddon was not exactly super-clean. And Gregory Helms is his opponent, as the draw has a nice feel of randomness about it. JBL nearly wets himself with excitement.

3 -- Sprint match: KING BOOKER vs. GREGORY HELMS

It's heel vs. heel, of course. Booker hits a clothesline early, and a slam. 1-count only. Sloppy delayed vertical allows Helms to escape, but he walks into a spinebuster. 2-count. Booker's limited offence is pretty clear in this one, as he stands around between spots. Sidekick gets two. Helms punches his way out of the corner and a clothesline gets him a 2-count. A rollup gets another two for Helms, who nevertheless has hardly been able to display any compelling offence. He does the count-a-long punch spot in the corner, but Booker gets away and tries an armlock into a reverse sidekick. JBL and Cole start to pick up on Booker's time-wasting and posing. Inside three minutes to go. Helms hits a dropkick from the ropes for two. He goes up top again and hits a crossbody for two more. Sharmell interferes. Distraction, sidekick, scissors kick. That does it.

Winner: KING BOOKER in 6:24. Never was a faster match so much slower.

- Things are about to get worse for Helms, as the Boogeyman is ... BEHIND YOU!!! With a froth mouth. He's a human cappuccino! Boogey hits his usual worm stuff. Cole narrates the replay with the comment, "The man eats worms."

[Commercial break]

- Cole and JBL introduce a video clip: "The Evolution of the Animal." The compilation starts with HHH introducing him during his Evolution days, then the split with HHH. Then the win at WM21. Then, the draft lottery brings him to Smackdown. But, as the graphic says, "One Year Ago" ... Mark Henry breaks the chain to the cage to interfere and maul Batista. "One Week Later," dressed like a Mafia pimp and in soft focus, he steps down. Tears in the crowd. And he walks away. Nice segment – acknowledging that a significant portion of their fan base may not remember back to the beginning. Hope they do more of it.

- Ashley is getting ready to wrestle next.

[Commercial break]

- Ashley bounces to the ring. Jillian struts to the ring. In a flashback to WWF 1980s, we get a quick promo from Jillian threatening to rip Ashley's face off.

4 -- ASHLEY vs. JILLIAN
Jillian is quite the intense little brawler. She's chucking Ashley around and she's loving it. Knee to the head, as the "Jillian wants to destroy Ashley's gorgeous face" storyline kicks in. The action is far from scientific, but Jillian's intensity is making it watchable. Slam is followed by an arrogant foot on the throat of her prone foe. This is fun stuff, and it's even managed to quell the "We want puppies!" chant.
Horribly screwed-up frankensteiner spot from Ashley puts her on offense, and they repeat a headscissor variation to get the fall right. Jillian gets back on top, and I'm just loving her in ring style. She arrogantly poses a bit more and gets caught in a cheap rollup from Ashley.

Winner: ASHLEY in 3:00. We have a new leader! ... oh wait. Jillian is not happy, which should make for some fun in the future. It may be sloppy but yes, Veronica, there IS a women's division after all.

[Commercial break]

- Candles, bubble bath. Maryse asks if we're ready for more action. She knows she is. But she's on her own! What sort of ... oh, forget it.

5 -- Sprint match: JIMMY WANG YANG vs. TATANKA

Yep, he's back. Yang gets on top early but Tatanka uses his ample gut to reassert authority. He does some nice clock-checks to emphasize the drama. JBL walks a fine line with some Cowboy and Indian comments, likely to cause offense in some quarters. It's all Tatanka as enter the final three minutes. Yang is selling like a trooper against the wide variety of Irish whips and clotheslines involved. Yang makes the comeback and hits a dropkick off the top rope for only two. Yang hits a nice corner backflip kick and then hits the cross body off the top for two and seven-eighths. He tries a moonsault but ends up crotching himself with sixty seconds to go. Looks like we're headed for a no result. Tatanka hits a clothesline and scoop slam as JBL points out that Tatanka was undefeated for two years. Eventually Yang hits that moonsault but we're out of time.

WINNER: NO RESULT in 6:25. Tatanka ambushes the puzzled Yang and just brutalizes him after the match, hitting some pretty stiff stuff. That's going to be quite an odd little feud.

- Raw Rebound airs.

[Commercial break]

- Kristal interviews Vickie Guerrero backstage. She's angry with Benoit, as well the WWE fans, and her own nephew Chavo who have all turned their back on her during this attempt to get her life back on track. "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I feel lost. I feel emotionally ... emotionally distraught. I can't focus, I can't sleep, and I've lost all my faith in humanity. I'm so confused ..." and she sobs on Kristal's shoulder. Odd. Cole starts out with a sarcastic reaction, then shifts tone completely to trying to sound genuinely concerned. JBL asks if he's cynical and Cole denies it.

- A recap of the Sprint so far airs. They're strugglh next week.

- JBL and Cole hype the show, too. We're done.